Shouldn't I Know This Stuff By Now?

I guess there is no right or wrong to who I am. I am a 41 year old woman who is very comfortable with and loving with my own sense of self except for one area: my bisexuality. More on that later. My dreams and needs are the same as most everyone elses': a stable home, a mate to share it all with, happy healthy children who grown into happy, healthy adults, and a close walk with God down a path He directs.
Those basic needs when met ensure a solid foundation for whatever else follows in life. Or so I've always been taught. I choose to continue in that belief and not turn from my roots to travel unknown and shaky ground. But my tenets are undergoing serious challenges now that are causing me to seek a broader, clearer viewpoint than I have previously maintained. I have always embraced liberal and accepting theologies. "Judge not, less you be judged." and "God is light, in Him there is no darkness." Well and good. I have had no difficulties applying those to everyone I've ever met. The result has been glorious.
I am so happy to call some of the most unusual characters my friends. Indeed, I feel blessed and privileged to do so. I find that looking in unusual faces and places for friendships nets some of the most solid people out there. By solid I mean they bring new and different experiences and outlooks that expand my thinking and reasoning. How exciting!! I love the chance to grow.
But now I find myself wondering if perhaps I've been a snob. That's right. I've been one of the ones who looks like everyone else for a long, long time- even though my insides have morphed over the years in ways I don't see in the general population I encounter on a daily basis. Without a doubt I owe most of those inner changes to the unusual experiences and people I have met. In root at least. I've had my eyes on God for so long for the shaping, that I have few actual doubts that the results are all Him.
No one who has known me well or long will be surprised at the declaration of my sexuality. I have made no attempt to hide it. Neither have I made any attempt to make it general knowledge. My mate selection has most frequently male and there is such a air of secrecy surrounding alternative choices that few questions ever arose from loved ones around me. Only one time I can recall- my mother and sister questioned me briefly about 2 years after my divorce. Nothing since. Don't ask, don't tell.
I find it increasingly hard to begin relationships with men. They are still sexually attractive to me, but years of mistreatment by the many of the ones I've had the misfortune to have relationships with has made me question the wisdom of my judgment in male mate selection. I have been objectified out the wazoo. Being raised by a feminist mother did not leave me receptive to the offers I received for sugar daddies or modeling in the nude. To say that I was continually disgusted and emotionally hurt would be apt. I have no knowledge that confirms my girl friends were made similar offers. Perhaps this is just the way it is except for a lucky few who find their mates early in life.
And so I quit dating 6 years ago. I had no desire of entertaining an emotional relationship with either a man or woman. Now though I find myself lonely for a mate once again and searching for the be-all end-all relationship that is second only to my love of God. Although I have been begging Abba for a mate, I find myself summarily dismissing the men who hit on me with very little regard. The recent offers I have entertained have been from women- which causes me concern because I have never before seriously considered a long term relationship with another woman. I have been approached by some beautiful women, but it was all in fun; never to be taken seriously.
Which raises some spiritual questions for me. If I am going to take a homosexual relationship seriously, then I have to feel absolutely sure of my footing with God. I do not see how God can be light and contain discriminatory hatred at the same time, but such contradictions appear on the surface layer of Biblical teachings. The Bible is the word of God. Such is my quandary.
So I ask you to pray for me as I begin research and exploration to resolve this issue. I am a careful plodder in life. Few moves are made without advance research.
Any prayers you raise up to the Father for me are so very appreciated. I will keep you updated by this blog as I learn.
God bless you and keep you,
Cynthia